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Is Tom Six the next Da Vinci?

You know that name! Why, it’s only the director of the infamous Human Centipede duology. Not only is he great at making movies about humans being surgically gastricopolated through the anarse, but also does a passable impression of an educationally subnormal 12 year old with a paintbrush and his hairy hands down his weirdo pants. For a paltry 1o grand (p+p not included) you too can pick up a Tom Six magnum opus like “Earwax Sandwich” or “Anal Birth” , works of transcendent mongery that must have taken literally minutes to create. So get your bank details ready and pop

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CHROMESKULL : LAID TO REST 2

  The original LTR didnt leave any real room for a sequel but what’s this? Despite having his head melted by acid and then mildly caved in, Chromeskull is still slashing and stabbing for his massive pay-for-view audience. “What audience” you’re probably asking “I’ve never heard of this crap” And with good reason! It’s not very good. But in the movie the Chromeskull character, as part of his contrived sub-mortal kombat character design, has a webcam fixed to one shoulder..he’s a bit Web 2.0 innit. I’ll not bore you with the plot, needless to say there are lots of people

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Knuckle – digs, dags and bad teeth

Do you remember the old Atari  game Pit Fighter? Well this is a bit like a real life version of that, only instead of iffy pixelly cage fighters in tight pants we have large greasy irish men grappling and swinging wildly at each other like tattooed, shaven headed bull elephant seals in heat. Does that turn you on? Well then let’s pop that bulging fly and get to grips with some meaty violence perpetuated by members of one of society’s less fashionable subcultures. You probably seen some youtube action of these rather unsophisticated primates indulging in some rather ponderous bare-knuckle

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Final Destination 5 – death is a c**t

Back from the dead like a battered and partially drowned kitten here we have the latest entry to the eye-bulgingly eager to please Final Destination franchise. Early rumours of a darker and more serious approach turn out to be bollix and it’s the exact same old goofy cocktail of hilarious splatter, bad actors frowning and No Happy Endings. It’s the exact same formula as the previous 4 efforts…some earnest young person has a premonition of a horrible accident (in this case a bridge collapse) and does a runner along with enough other survivors to ensure a kill every 15 minutes

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CHEAPO DOUBLE HEADER – ZOMBIE CHRIST VS THE TAINT

  The low budget horror movie has a long and colourful history…hollywood big dogs like Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi are probably the most obvious examples of how throwing fake blood  and sheep entrails over your mates every weekend for a year and a half can ultimately end up in megabucks and mock-tudor mansions stuffed to the rafters with gold plated bidets and sex midgets. However, this doesn’t always happen. Most of these budgetless wonders are in fact bollocks…stark, cringe-inducing testaments to the fact that this movie-making business is a bit harder than it looks. For every 500 crappy homemade

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UH UM DUH LUH

Grud!! The original Dredd movie was one third good,  two thirds absolute bollocks. The good? Mean Machine, the costumes and sets, that ABC warrior…thing.  Bollocks? Well, everything else. This is one reboot that is genuinely justified, as we’re still waiting for a film adaptation that captures even a fraction of the black humour and subversive drama of the original comic strip. Here are some pics something nicked off empire. Can’t say I’m too impressed, but the fact that Alex Garland is writing the script gives me some hope, and Karl Urban as Dredd…well at least he wont have the movie-raping

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The Devil’s Rock – Guernsey Devil

Don’t nazis and the supernatural make a great combo? Raiders of the Lost Ark…The Keep…Wolfenstein…Hellboy…even more modern cheapies like Dead Snow and Outpost have benefited from cross-fertilising pure horror elements with the grim and dread iconography of the Third Reich. Und was ist das? It’s a theoretically interesting but ultimately failed ww2 cautionary tale of an antipodean commando, a german officer and a, hmm, succubus. It probably worked better on paper…hero infiltrates a german coastal defence bunker in the Channel Islands, finds dismembered germans everywhere and eventually a single survivor who warns him about what’s locked in upstairs…Meh, the tiny set and

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Ironclad – choppy chop stab stab argh

Mildly decaptivating dark age nonsense with ultra-hard Knights Templar James Purfoy dismembering dozens of danish mercenaries in a really rather grisly fashion as he defends Rochester castle from tortoise-faced throne-botherer King John. It’s a peculiar little medieval gorefest this. Good cast, all of them gurning and/or sleepwalking their way through an uninspired script and lots of unintentional humour. Gareth from The Office makes an appearance as well, as one of Purfoy’s rag-tag band of heroics. The body count is ludicrous and there are some spectacular kills, despite the best efforts of the cinematographer (the film seems to have been shot

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